It would seem that I have only kept one New Years resolution in my entire life. In 2006 I was sitting around a table with a bunch of totally awesome people and I thought “Everyone one here is just a little TO comfortable”. From that moment on I knew what I had to do. My New Years resolution was to make people feel “UN”comfortable! It was so easy! Unlike most of my New Years resolutions…
It was all in good fun and not to go all Psych 101 on you but I never took these resolutions seriously because I spent every New Years Eve making resolution about my weight and clearly that never worked out! Year after year I wondered what it would be like to be skinny, wishing and praying for it to be so (with a Dr. Pepper in hand) I made some outrageous deals with Heavenly Father that’s for sure! I never achieved one single goal. In hindsight I never really truly tried, my excuses kept getting in the way.
I always wonder what excuse I would give Bob Harper from The Biggest Loser if he asked me how I let my self get this way, that question is usually followed by tears and hugs but when I put myself in those shoes I got nothin’. Nobody died, I wasn’t in a car crash, and my childhood was pretty comfy so what real excuses do I have for weighing almost 300lbs?
First I want to be clear – I blame only myself.
My parents owned an Arby’s when I was growing up. I was maybe 13 when that happened and worked there for … forever. Endless soda and curly fries at my fingertips didn’t do me any favors. Oh, then they bought a DQ. I was overweight way before that though.
I’m the middle child or 6 and when your mom opens a bag of chips you best be grabbin’ as much as you can as fast as you can or no chips for you! I know a lot of you might not get it but I don’t care, that’s how it is. Even now I have to tell myself to slow down. Science says it takes about 15 minutes for your stomach to tell your mind that your full, basically slower eaters are not fatties. I don’t realize that I’m full until I have eaten way to much. That’s all I really got for becoming over weight but staying that way… laziness.
Like I said I wanted to be skinny, I wished it so. Every shooting star, every 11:11, every single birthday, the same wish. But that is all I did, I wished. I never DID anything. I was lazy. I was also scared. I spent my whole life telling myself that I could be awesome AND fat, that I could be happy AND fat, that I could find love AND be fat. I never thought about happiness or love outside of being fat. In my mind everything I ever wanted and my weight were fused together. I would stand in front of the mirror thanking my fat for making me the person I was, cause I was awesome. Being fat was as much a part of my identity as anything and losing it was scary.
I was also scared of failing. I tricked myself into thinking my dozens of halfhearted attempts to lose weight were failures. That feeling sucks. That’s why all of my past New Years resolutions were jokes, I was trying to avoid that sucky feeling. Things are a little different this year. I got my weight under control and that attitude has spread to every facet of my life.
Here is to 2012!
The year we follow through. The year we do more then wish. The year without excuses. The year we believe in ourselves!